Thursday, August 9, 2012

Grease My Hooves: Politics in Canada

ISBN 978-0-9812961-4-2

A small sample from one story in Grease My Hooves: Politics in Canada

This is the only story about Ms. Stinky prior to her move to Eh to do communications work for a huge mutlinational oil company wanting to put a pipeline across BC and run oil tankers down the west coast.

Homeland Insecurity

Between two of her longer prison sentences, Ms. Stinky
owned a newspaper, The Truth about Men and Other Matters.
Above the headline on every newspaper was a banner: “I don’t
spoil good stories with facts.”

Ms. Stinky often supported politicians and encouraged them to use her paper to transmit “information”
to the “great unwashed masses and other wannabes.”

After frequent requests to do so, Ms. Stinky explained her passion
for reporting:

Not everyone feels that public exposure is helpful. The average
citizen wants to keep private skeletons in the closet. I take those
skeletons out and put them on public display for the betterment of
the individual and community.

As a result of patronizing politicians, the police and military,
Ms. Stinky was able to leave her sty without fear of a security
check by government-employed zealots with IQs only slightly
greater than their ages.

Ms. Stinky reported,

Frankly, I don’t know what the hell the fuss is about. Animals
don’t need to go out, because I tell them everything they need to
know. I can also tell them what is happening in their sties, nests
and burrows if they care to know! Most of it turns my stomach.
Her paper enjoyed a massive circulation because everyone,
although they would never admit it, took perverse pleasure in
seeing a neighbour or other local put through the journalistic wringer.


Ms. Stinky seemed to have a knack for investigating
and exposing private and extremely embarrassing situations.
One day a senator was figuratively and literally “caught with
his pants down” in a local S&M club that Ms. Stinky frequented.

She had seen the whole incident and reported,

This business reminded me of being tied up at a party last week,
but then I was a consenting adult and our illustrious senator claims
he wasn’t. I don’t see how the situations differ, because I know he
enjoyed the whole episode. It was as if he couldn’t wait to show me
the welts on his ass and his new leash and studded leather collar.

Ms. Stinky knew that attacks on her readers would not reduce
sales significantly. Even the angriest readers who cancelled
their subscriptions after being personally attacked eventually
renewed them. Ms. Stinky felt the need to address the allegation
that she used kid gloves on affluent families. Using a full
page in the paper, she explained,

I will not use kids’ gloves or any other type of gloves when I am
reporting. How the hell can I get my hooves greased if I am wearing

Animals didn’t like Ms. Stinky’s subjective reporting and
lack of professionalism. Rather than reporting the facts, she told
readers what she felt they needed to hear:

Animals left to their own thinking always screw up, and that’s
why my newspaper tells them how, when and what to think.

The Triple Structure

Some very wealthy armadillos built three of the world’s largest
free-standing towers, side by side, in Wombatsville. They
named them the Triple Structure, and animals had never before
seen such tall buildings.

✦ Politics 101 ✦

The Triple Structure was to serve as the city’s centre of business
and commerce but quickly became symbolic of the whole
free enterprise system. Soon The Bank of Unethical Practices and
Unmitigated Greed leased space in the buildings. The Bailout
Stock Exchange, after another government handout and generous
tax exemption, moved in. The Ponzi Schemes Investment
Corporation leased space after an assurance that their offices
would be reinforced with steel, soundproof walls and bulletproof
glass. United Burrows and Nests, the organization dealing
with international political issues, rented an entire floor in one
building. The No Cheap Generics for Africa Pharmaceutical
Company and the Foreclosure Housing Corporation, a subsidiary
of the Parasitic Bank, opened offices. The You Clean It Up
multinational oil company occupied a large office.

Save the Humans and Planned Rodenthood leased offices,
as did Interbully, the organization dealing with international
crime. Fear Mongering, a multinational security company,
moved in immediately after putting two hundred security
cameras throughout the building. Fear Mongering’s major
competitor, Justified Paranoia, shared the top floor of the
structure with the family law firm, You Fight, We Get Rich,
and Flus Are Us!

Citizens were not happy about the Bailout Stock Exchange
receiving more government handouts, so Ms. Stinky felt compelled
to comment in response to readers’ angry letters:

While the Stock Exchange has always argued that the government
should keep its nose out of the private sector, this does not apply
to bailouts, handouts and other goodies provided at taxpayers’
expense—and why the hell should it?

Along with being a symbol of free enterprise, the Triple
Structure was supposed to signify freedom and democracy in the
nation of Divided Conditions of Pomposity and Circumstance.
Ms. Stinky reported,

While bigger may be better, the buildings are nothing more than
phallic symbols directly resulting from little-man syndrome,
which unfortunately is fostered in this impotent excuse for a community.

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